I passed in, out, and into my day of birthing, which for me is as much my Mother's day as mine. This relational event culminating after 9 months was more powerful than ever this year. With each year that comes and offers new beginnings, my body memory/felt sense seems to show me more about my "being". Or some might say my "soul place". It really doesn't matter what words I use, for it is the sensations and perceptions of my world that inform me more than ever. So I, "again for the very first time ever", was in my story of coming into this world's perceptual dimension out of my sheltering floating fluids. I began to go inward as I do every year about a month before my birthing day. But this year, I drew further inward. I became cranky, unable to find a place to settle, circling, being distracted all while staying in one place, thanks to the cold snow filled winter. I knew this year was different. My Mother was no longer in this dimension to share our day together. No wonder my body was a bit confused, lost and unable to settle. We had been together for over 60 years in this plane. Bodies don't just disengage because one is no longer in a materialized form. I knew and experienced this before when I was young and my father passed. And then I re-experienced it so profoundly as I was assisting my mother, as her midwife, while she was laboring her transition into death. This day of my birthing I consciously slowed down, found solace in my studio lying down on the floor and was being moved into a Moving Contemplation practice. Once I stilled my body I began to sense a deep well of sadness bringing a tight, motionless and stuck sense into my body and the space around me. And then tiny involuntary micro movements began to ripple through me out into the larger field bringing welcomed warmth out of my chilled state and a sense of melting. And the tears of this day turned into sobs. I was becoming tired and oh so much more vulnerable, if that was possible. I was there with myself(selves), formless, dedensified , densified ego, id and soul. I began to feel as though I was coming into a newness, a spacious freshness offered by my sobs, by my heart! Yes, it was again the gift of unconditional love that began to sweep through me and the space around me. One of those teary I am nothing/everything, I am "whole" and just a speck in the "wholeness" of the "whole", the balancing of shadow self and all the polarities within and without you times in live. As I shifted into stillness, I fell asleep for awhile awakening to the sweet sounds of house Wrens fluttering around the bird feeding with Cardinals chirping in the background. I was home again……….love.
RSS Feed